UU know? I never realised I got trauma from Samos. I built a life there. I created long-lasting meaningful relationships. I worked and I had a bed. But I soon understood that I never felt normal there. In London I kept telling myself Nima u are a refugee why are people nice to you?! It doesn’t make sense. U are someone they don’t like. Because for 3 years in Greece I thought I had no rights. Entrance to places and restaurants was forbidden for people like me. I was a refugee and i thought being a refugee means you’re not human and u cant talk to strangers and strangers will certainly not want to talk to u.
I was in London for two weeks and I could find myself. It only took two weeks to feel in the right place, gain direction and sense of life. I wanted to be helpful by helping homeless people through NGO I found that accepted me as a volunteer. But guess what?! After my first day there I was moved to the camp in Folkestone. And here we go again. The spiral continues. I lost everything. Again. One more time. My best friend and the NGO.
When I arrived in the camp I saw someone being beaten up by racist people who started shouting at us yelling that we should leave England and go back to where we came from. Were not welcome. Were unwanted. And people are repulsed by us. So it seems. I lost my self confidence and my hope – the crumbs I had left – in humanity. One more time. I started feeling I’m not human. I’m not worth a human life. I’m not worth a dream. Ill never be proud of myself. I don’t know what will happen to me. Maybe ill be the one being beaten in public tomorrow and losing the dignity I have left – if I have any left. So I decided to sleep for a week and praying that one day ill wake up from this nightmare in Iran with my parents eating the food they always cook for me and feeling their smell. came and started. I gave up. For a week I quit. I couldn’t think about university and all the plans i had. I couldn’t try one more time. I cant accept failure anymore without resenting it and myself. I don’t want to hate myself even more its enough and too heavy to seal with already.
I don’t know what to say about this camp. Its true, the UK didn’t invite me to come reside there. I am here illegally and so I have no right to manifest myself. No one has the obligation to accept me or welcome me onboard. But there are around 400 people living here under Corona circumstances and each salon provides shelter for around 20 people that have to wait for food for 30 mins – if lucky. Were surrounded by fences. Its another form of a concentration camp. Its a trap.
But its evidently not as bad as Samos. At least for me. For other people I cannot talk. There are those who have started to embark on self harm. The other day for example, someone claimed he’s hang himself soon unless he wasn’t granted a transfer in the near future. I had to translate his words and listen to his devastating story. It hurt me and the worse is I could understand his deeper frustrations. He magnified my hopelessness and lroved me life is not worth living to all.
I don’t know for how long ill be here. I don’t know if ill ever leave this place. I don’t know where I will go. UK, Greece, or maybe somewhere else? I don’t know. I don’t know what’ll happen to me today so I cant even imagine how my life will turn around in the next 24 hours. Life is always surprising us. I just wish they could be good surprises.
Nima sent us his story, with a request to share it.